Okay so I am drawing the BIGGEST blank ever for what to blog about BUT i have this craving to blog right now so i'll just type. Here we go, might be the most boring blog you've ever read....IF you continue to read it from here:)----no feelings hurt;)
Many of you do not know that I mask a lot, not in a dishonest way but in a desperate need to push my strength forward kinda of way...(seriously, you're still reading?:)..... for reasons that I feel I have to and for recognition that the Lord has given me through grace an undeserved amount of strength for certain (very important) reasons and then for reasons I feel is expected of me and then reasons I feel is what I need to do to mask how i am really feeling due to perspective or what have you. I at 28 am learning a lot about myself in that I feel the need to carry a lot of strength about things that deep down I'm not so strong on because I desire (so much) to be strong. (don't we all?) ... I, along with Marla, am doing a little Beth Moore bible study on Esther. It is SO good. I am going at a rather slow pace but its part of my fuel right now. To do something MORE than what you expect yourself to do.... and/or something more than what others expect you to do (or be) and give that glory to God and allow him to mold you and change you----insert me saying to me:) "you hard headed fool" here--- I am getting a lot out of this study on how to set self aside because so much of the time i can tie things back to ..... what's a good word? FLESHY! Eww. Also learning: Its okay to be a little caught off guard sometimes and its okay to not have ALL the answers to whatever pops up right away. Now, i feel as if i should have a masters degree in this area....(don't ever say you LOVE last minute....life.... out loud) but the main thing is that I am not my own savior (gasp) and if I had ALL the strength for everything this beautiful life has to offer then whose strength am I ultimately relying on?.... I NEED MY CHRIST. I need his love, his mercy and his strength to overflow through me.... without it I am nothing. Just a really white girl with tanned freckles (ha) and a good laugh. So to conclude this random thought... I would say that not everything in life requires me to be strong, its okay to feel overwhelmed and to feel even defeated at times... what's healthy is when I turn that energy to the one that sustains me, the one that fuels me and gives me the hope I need. MY GOD. JESUS CHRIST. I Praise him.
A lesson I keep having to learn over & over in life: I am not in control. You'd think that I had it by now, but God keeps having to put me in situations to test that ...and I keep trying to take the reigns back. Just have to keep reminding myself that He puts us exactly where we need to be at exactly the time HE needs us there.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the honesty. It is hard to let that part show - the part we want to keep hidden - trying to look "strong" when we really feel weak. Boy do I understand that. Love ya! - L
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